How to be a critic people love

It seemed I was everyone’s target all evening … and not a single shot missed. I was the chair of that planning-committee-meeting-turned-nightmare many years ago. One member came to me privately after the meeting and bluntly told me I was blowing it because I was way too defensive. By then I was quite ready to start firing back, but I didn’t. Why? Because I had no doubt this man really cared for me. Not trying to win an argument or show me up, he, unlike any other person in the group, said this to me out of love.

I treasure my relationship with him because of what he told me that evening. Was it pleasant to receive his criticism? Not at all. But it was good … like swallowing the nastiest tasting medicine you can imagine, but a medicine which quiets your fever and gets you out of bed the next day.

When the Bible says “iron sharpens iron,” (Prov. 27:17), this is not license to take your blade and start slashing everyone near you. Far from a sword fight, the image is that of taking two knives and using them to sharpen each other. Sure the metal gets hot and the sparks fly, but the result for both is desirable because the intent is constructive.

To be a critic people love, cultivate a group of critics around you—people who are committed to you the way you are to them. People who are convinced you really want them to tell you the things you need to hear are the people who will also be able to hear your criticism of them when they most need it and love you for it.
The best critic is the not the one who is merely right, but rather the one who has earned the right to be heard in a way that changes things for the better. That only happens when the critic is someone you trust. Who do you trust more than that one you are already convinced loves you?

In short, the way to be a critic people love is to love them convincingly before there’s a need to criticize.

David G. Goodman
President, Entrust

We must improve our criticism

We need to get better at criticism. Much better. That is my criticism of the church.

I agree with secular best-selling management consultant and author Patrick Lencioni when he offers this critique in his book The Advantage: “Nowhere does this tendency toward artificial harmony show itself more than in mission-driven nonprofit organizations, most notably churches. People who work in those organizations tend to have a misguided idea that they cannot be frustrated or disagreeable with one another. What they’re doing is confusing being nice with being kind.”

Substitute the word “loving” for “kind” and I think he has it exactly right. Perhaps being loving is the church’s reaction to a culture of cynicism, but what Lencioni sees missing is direct constructive criticism.

Typically, we let our criticism swirl unchecked in our thoughts, brewing poison which often spills over into conversation with confidants and at some point boils into confrontation that can no longer be loving. That was not Paul’s intent when he told the Ephesians to be “speaking the truth in love,” resulting in a body of Christ that “builds itself up in love as each part does its work.” (Eph. 4:15-16)

We are to love each other enough to tell each other the sorts of things everyone needs to hear so as not to go on hurting ourselves and others. We need to do this readily, directly and measured by the standard of truth we hold in common – God’s word. To do that we must have previously established personal loving relationships with one another so the other person knows where we’re coming from and that we welcome the same sort of critique from them.

We need to constantly remind each other who we really are.

Scripture clearly tells us we have zero right or reason to deserve membership in God’s family. Underneath the façade, we are all sinners … failures at life. As we admit that, we gain God’s grace and the fellowship of other equally unworthy members worshiping together in our local churches. Is it not, then, absurd that we ever take offense when someone points to any of our shortcomings? How can we be so sensitive to criticism? Having gained entrance to this community of totally unworthy souls, we somehow feel the need to build a case for our own righteousness and worth to God and God’s people. It is as if we somehow decide we have no continuing, absolute need of God’s grace.

Yes, the church needs to get better at criticism – giving and receiving it – in love.

David G. Goodman
President, Entrust

When Sheep Bite

“If I could wish one thing for Christian leaders, it would be a thicker skin.”

That was some of the wisest counsel I ever received. It came early in my ministry.
Members of flocks might wish shepherds were more sensitive to their needs. But the reality is, when shepherds find their sheep can bite like wolves, they easily become too defensive to act in their own best interests, let alone that of their flocks. This is true not only of pastors, but Christian leaders of all sorts.

I wrote last month about our culture of cynicism. Christian leaders expect to be ridiculed outside the fold, but when it happens on the inside it can lead to alienation and burnout.

Scripture has much to say about cynicism. From the very beginning cynicism has been one of the adversary’s most effective tools. You can hear the mocking tone in the serpent’s question of Adam and Eve: “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” The serpent skillfully makes God’s command seem utterly ridiculous, leading the woman to caricature God’s command further by adding something God did not say, “neither shall you touch it.” (Gen. 3:1-3)

Cynicism reduces and reframes truth so we can more easily dismiss it and willfully go our own way. All of Adam and Eve’s subsequent sons and daughters have paid dearly for the serpent’s cynical bite into their innocence.

What can a leader do?

We must remember it was cynicism that hung a blameless savior on the cross, not realizing this “King of the Jews” could have stopped the process at any time. We who lead should not be taken aback when Christian ministry provokes echoes of that same cynicism.

We must not be surprised when cynicism surfaces within our own Christian circles. Our sheep, like us, are in process, are being transformed. Perhaps one of the most important lessons of the book of Acts is that sin, failure, rebuke and rebellion are the realities of the Christian church. God wants to use these things in the life of the church to help us all grow. Cynicism tries to shortcut that process and deny the truth.

In these times in which we live, Christian leaders must move counter to the tide. Proverbs warns repeatedly that anyone who takes on mockers “invites insults.” Mockers “resent correction, so they avoid the wise.” (Prov. 9:7, 15:12 NIV) It is part of a leader’s job to challenge a culture of cynicism and to take the guff for it. The leader must set the pace and nurture a mutually supportive atmosphere within the ministry by resisting the temptation to ridicule and mock. Humor is a powerful tool in a leader’s hands. A few wry words can reduce tension and ease the friction in the room. Yet that humor can easily be used at others’ expense.

In the words of one of the world’s greatest leaders, “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need – words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.” (Eph. 4:29 NCV)

© David G. Goodman

President, Entrust